Take Responsibility

I decided to stop loving someone

Hundred times my heart has been broken,

My heart keeps on beating still

Looking for someone new

I refuse to fall into the trap

I keep pushing you away

In the friendship zone, you should stay

However I can’t stop these feelings

It’s getting scarier as time fades

Hey! Stop!

Stop trying to catch my attention!

Stop being good to me, be mean!

I want to continue living

with my so-called normal life

You’re just a distraction!

I can’t focus!

Stop visiting my unconscious mind!

Go away!

Leave me alone!

These can’t go on!

These feelings have to stop!

Don’t drag me into a roller coaster ride

You’re driving me crazy however

But this happiness I hide

Your surprises that I love

Your unreadable mind

Pulling and pushing me to the edge

Look at me!

What has come to me?

Can’t you see my sufferings?

These anxious feelings and wondering?

Everything was alright,

my life was bright

You suddenly came;

You ruined my perfect life

My heart now is happy and in pain

It’s glowing and dim

It’s gray and colorful

It’s empty and full

What will you do?

Won’t you take responsibility?

Sweet Encounter

remember our first encounter?
you silently comes then goes...
standing in a corner, timidly...

remember our first conversation?
it was quite awkward but interesting...
i thought you'd be boring but actually funny... ;-)

remember the day i started hanging out with you?
it was due to a simple colds...
from then on we became friends...

you're shy with others,
     a good listener...
  honest...
     serious...
       responsible...
stubborn...
         game addict...
movie fanatic...
quiet funny...
            and witty;
you strike me when i least expect it, it was nice and enjoyable.

sometimes you're like an onii-chan
sometimes you're like a younger brother i never had
but mostly a good friend.
In times of my struggles;
i just want to escape...
you let me be...
you listen to my nags...
and jokes...
it's fun to act spoiled when i wanted to
i hope you enjoyed being with me
     Thank you for everything.

Heart's Home

It suddenly came; now it suddenly goes

My heart's filled with sadness, tears overflow

I'm teaching myself to let it go

The thing my heart dearly hold

Unfolding mem'ries, overwhelming feelings

With joy and pain, I'll cherish you with a smile in my face.

A Dream

I have always dreamed of seeing the sun
Even in times of rain and thunder storms
But why can't I see it now?
My world is engulf with dark clouds,
Roaring thunder god and blinding lightning.

I have always dreamed of seeing smiles
Even in times of troubles, fears and doubts
but why do I see sadness and hatred?
My world is embraced with bickering,
Bitter words and endless curses.

I have always dreamed of being the best
In something that I could call my own
To severe that chain connecting to insecurities
but why do I feel anxious if this is right or wrong?
I am torn down better a daughter and my dream
Am I being selfish in chasing it?

Will God hate me if I  whine once in a while?
My heart feels heavy and my tears overflow
Will He abandon me if I play a little tantrum?
My mind is blank and my soul's tired
Will He forgive if did all that?

For a Wonderful Man like You

A bubbly and cheerful man

I wonder if you get upset or mad

You always wear your smile

At your lowest moments

When you’re tired or sad

I wonder if you tried to hide it.

A dependable man

Everyone seems to depend on you

I wonder if you have someone to depend too

A person who’s always there for you,

A companion in times of loneliness and sadness.

A loving child

I wonder who’s parents must not feel bless and proud

A caring and sweet brother

That makes me miss my own

A proud uncle

With your nieces and nephews that love you so much.

A wonderful friend

Someone we can always count on

A good leader

Who is blessed with patience

And great dedication to lead 

A great singer

Who sings from the heart touching souls.

It’s amazing!

I wonder why God leads me to you

I've come to learn and view the world with new perspective

I thank your mom who brought you up

To become an extraordinary person

I thank you for being a friend

And I thank God I befriended a wonderful man like you. 

I am an Orphan

There are so many people surrounding me

But I keep on asking myself why I feel so lonely

I have friends, parents and siblings

Shouldn’t I feel so blessed and lucky?

I don’t understand the reason why I feel so miserable

I act cool and look as if I don’t care

But inside thousand of daggers are piercing my heart

When reality strikes that I only hold a family in mere name.

I often hear people say I have a wonderful family

I’ll faintly smile in reply for I don’t know if I should be happy

Because they have no slightest idea how pathetic we are

How we try to cover our frustrations with smiles and laughter.

I can’t figure out if I’m an orphan or not

When strangers’ eyes are watching true meaning of family we became

However when the curtain’s down our family is eaten by darkness

In there, smiles and laughter becomes bitter and everyone bickers.

When darkness consumes everyone’s hearts I run into my room

To run and hide into the safe haven I called

To run and hide into a place where it’s far from doom

In there, I could cry all I want until I get tired and fall asleep.

I have no idea when did our family fell apart

Or should I wonder if we ever did became one

Well, either way, I know I’ll always feel lonely

For I have been destined to become an orphan for some reasons.

MY REFUSAL

I refuse to concede defeat

I always seek to be the best

No matter how many times I fail

My pride will always prevail.

I never taught that one day I would admit

The imperfection that I hold

When You mend me from blindness

And You saved me from darkness.

Once in a while I may descend into oblivion

But Thy love pulled me to the radiance

Now, I can see the world in bright insignia

When I made Thee the heart of my existence.

Candle Light

I was trapped in the midst of nowhere
Everything is dark and all I see is my fear
I slowly walked with no particular destination
All I have is me and my religion.

During the darkest moments of my life,
When everything seems not right,
I whispered a prayer for courage to fight
In an instant You gave me light.

Tears had blinded me , I'm unable to se
But never did I lose to fear,
It's all because Your love has strengthen me
Even if my life is taken away by spear.

My life is always in a mess;
I am jailed, drowned in darkness
But You constantly embrace me with Thy love
Now and forever I can fly freely like a dove.

You lighted my way in a thousand ways
And You gave me a reason to stay
Until the day You come for me
I'll come home with You in glee.

Gods Light

The light descending from the sky
Is telling me that you are might;
Every time I’m hurt you send me love through the sun
With Your love I feel warmth and instantly the pain is gone.

The clouds white as the snow conveys paradise.
It makes me wish that I am with You.
I wonder if I could still feel pain.
I wonder if I could smile there again.

In times darkness consumes me while in pain.
With the light you give I see eases the pain.
How I wish the night never ascends;
Only the light I wish to gain.

I lift up my hands in plea to the Almighty
To take me with Thee.
Take me to Your paradise where there is no flood of tears.
Take me in Thy arms where fears disappear.

I beg You to take me with You
For pain and fears never flew;
For only you could give me comfort
That gives me happiness and contentedness.

Calling U

Everyday…
I’ve been struggling to reach out
And yet no one noticed.
I pray that one day you will look back
And yet no one dared.
I keep on trying to please everyone
And yet no one responded.

Night by night…
I call out your name,
Begging to save me in this place.
I shout for help
But only my echo answered.
Can’t you hear it?
The voice within my heart is screaming for help.
Calling for someone to hear it;
Kept on waiting for a single reply.

How long do I have to wait?
How long do I keep on calling?
Just for you to notice the emptiness of my heart?
How many liters of tears do I need to cry?
For just a glimpse of your eyes?
How can you smile brightly?
While I’m here suffering; jailed in the darkness?

When will you ever notice me?
I’m losing hope like a candle.
How painful, can’t you feel it?
I’m alone and I need someone to reach out a hand
And help me stand up.
I’ve stumbled many times
That I don’t have any strength left to stand.
I need someone to help me, to guide me.
Anyone, is there anyone of you to help me?

Lonely, Sad and Cold…
That is what I am feeling right now.
Death is even better than this.
Death is even better than being lonely, empty.
Death is even better that not to be able to smile.
Death is even better than being left alone in the midst of sorrow.
Death is even better than being with everyone but not being part of it.

My hands are reaching for you
And yet you never tried to reach it.
I’m getting weaker day by day.
No more strength.
No more hopes left.
I guess waiting for death is the best.

To Whom I Belong

Day by day I smile without worries
I always look forward of seeing your face
That gentle smile that lighten up my day;
It gives courage to a weakling like me.

From afar I could only wish
That one day you’d set your eyes on me
Forever, I’ll patiently wait for that time to come
For the moment to feel your sweet embrace
For the time when your lips touches to mine.

Night by night I dream of you
I feel contented when you say “I love you”
The warm hands of yours as you hole me tight
It gives comfort as I sleep.

From afar I could only wish
That one day you’d set your eyes on me
Forever, I’ll patiently wait for that time to come
For the moment to feel your sweet embrace
For the time when your lips touches to mine.

To hold you, to kiss you
To want you, to love you
That is all I longed for
Because long before this heart of mine is already yours.

My Greatest Friend

I have been under pressure since before.
Before, it has been the prime reason to fight
But today, it has become the prime hindrance in giving my all.
It feels like it's pushing me to edge till I fall.

I tried to ignore it
However, it is like a seed.
The more I ignore, the more it grows.
It is absorbing my strength like water.

It was my greatest strength in moving forward
But also it is my greatest weakness I haven't overcome.
I always ask Him to help me overcome it;
Begging in tears, kneeling down for help.

I have been waiting for His response
while taking the journey of my life.
But when the day comes that He answers
I am in great confusion.

I know He had come to help
But I don't how to do it.
I am scared in moving on.
I am too weak to fight on.

When everyone seems to turn their backs on me.
When everyone seems deaf to hear my sobs.
When it seems that I am alone in the world
He came to reach out His hand.

He had prove once again that He loves me
Though I am not a perfect child.
He let me grow on my own
Yet He never leave me.

He has always on my side while others don't.
He laughs with me when I laugh while others are pretentious.
He smiles when I am happy while others don't care.
He embraces me when I cry while others are numb.

He always wipes away my tears
And never leaves me alone.
He is the one understands me the most
while everyone pretends to know me.

He is always with me
And I feel that I am not alone.
He is a good listener
And my greatest friend, GOD.

my dilemma

These days i keep on wondering,
keep on asking myself
is there something wrong?
this isn't what the way i am.

i have kept silent
i have always set it aside
i never give my self a chance
to have a glimpse of myself.

days have passed and i never realized
that day by day my heart grew tired
along with my body and my mind.

i tried to suppress the feelings
yet, unknowingly, i am being defeated
defeated defenselessly with my own fear
defeated defenselessly with my own tears.

everyday i always search for the answers
everyday i am in the midst of journey
in midst of nothingness, how lonely
in midst of nowhere, how scary.

right now, i needed someone to lean on
but when i look around i realized that their is no one
i realized that i am alone in this crowd
i have no one to cry on.

today til the end of tomorrow
i will keep on searching
i will always be alone
i will always be stuck in my heart's darkness
i will always wait for the light.

At My Window

I stand by the window; I could feel the cold wind
As it touches my delicate skin.
I shivered; it’s cold like my heart.
I look at the sky; like me, it’s lonely, sad.
The tears are falling, not from my eyes; from the clouds.
Yes, the sky is crying; it cried for me.
It must have felt my loneliness.
It must have felt my sorrows, my sadness.

In the window while looking at the sky
I asked my self why I feel so lonely.
I don’t know why I felt so empty.
I don’t know; I want to cry.
I must have missed something.
Right, something is missing.
A part of me is lost.
I can’t find it and I don’t know what it is.

From the window, I could see people walked by.
I wonder if they could feel my loneliness.
It seems that they don’t.
Yes, they can’t feel my loneliness, my sadness.
Are they numb? Or am I just different?
Ah, I could see they are happy, unlike me.
Their eyes are smiling, laughing.
I wonder if I’ll be able to smile like them.
I wonder if I’ll be able to laugh out loud.
I wonder if the sun will come smiling at me after the rain.
I wonder, just wondering, if it will.

Me and My God

I may be stupid
I may be an ugly duckling
I may be as thin as broom stick
But yet I have a big heart.

I may be simple
I may not be as intelligent as others
But yet I’m capable of doing everything.

Don’t judge me from what you see
Because you don’t know who’s me inside
I may not be perfect as a human
But I am made by perfect hands;
His hands, God’s Almighty hands.

I may be passive
I may be quiet
I may be secretive
But in Him I am different
In Him I am impulsive.

Please don’t judge me from what you hear;
Don’t judge me from what you see.
Don’t judge me from what you feel
Because you don’t know me well.

In Him I am everything;
In Him I am something.
In Him I am a precious gem
Because His love made me
In which you now mingle.

My Memoirs

As I look at the morning sky,
I’m overwhelmed in its beauty.
It’s so calm, so blue.
It’s smiling, inviting me.

The blue sky reminds me of you.
Now, I wonder where you are.
I remembered the times we’re together.
Oh, how I wish I could turn back time.
To feel again your sweet caress
Like the wind coming from the east.

To feel your embrace,
So warm like the sun
I wanted to return in the past.
To offer you the sun and the clouds;
To hear you laugh out loud.

When the night comes embracing the sun
I could see, like your eyes, the stars are twinkling.
I could hear, like your voice, the wind is singing.

Oh, how I wish that I could fly.
Oh, how I wish I could touch the sky;
To touch the clouds,
Get the stars and be proud.

Ah, I could still remember
The feeling when I hear your voice, your laughter.
It’s like music in my ear.
Remembering the past, remembering you,
It makes me feel like crying;
Tears are starting to fall,
Wondering why you leaved me, why you’re gone.

Is It A Goodbye?

That night...

It was the night that I'll never forget

And I hope that I won't regret it.

It was the night that I'm going to hear

The thing that I always fear.

Though, I want to hear the truth even if it brings me pain;

Even if it means the end.

In the morning...

When I woke up, I'm still hurting.

When I see my pillow, it reminds me the pain

And my heart aches when I see the tear stain.

I don't know if I could still smile today

For happiness seems blurred and far away.

When my heart starts to ache I just look at the world.

I could see the trees waving me hello.

Then, I look at the sky and I see the smiling sun

As if telling me that everything is fine.

The cold wind's embracing makes me shiver

And it makes me feel better.

As I walked in the road it's telling me that it's alright;

Reminding me that I'm still alive.

I saw my friends and I could hear their laughter.

When I hear their voices, I feel relieved after.

Friends are great for they make me forget

But when I'm alone the pain returns.

But. I realized that compared to last time, I'm dany fine.

For I'm already starting to accept that you'll never be mine.

Honestly, I'm still not sure if it's the end.

Because you promised that I still have you as a friend.

Inspiration

In the heaven's lonely night
You came and hold me tight
You took away these loneliness
And filled my heart's emptiness.

In this lonely world
Music books were fold
But you came and strummed the guitar;
Played a music sweet as a nectar.

Day after day I see
The smile of yours so friendly
That made my day complete
And gave me reason to breathe.

Yes, my heart was broken before
And the pieces were thrown in the shore
You came and fetch it like a fisherman;
Put it together like a new one.

I admit my heart was hard as an ice;
Slowly you melt it with the fire in your eyes.
Now, I can't deny my heart's desire
Wishing that forever together, you and I.

My Provider

Mind was like a sheet of paper
A white and a clean matter
I knew nothing until you came
And you wrote something.

Knowledge you fill out
Now I am proud
I have now the courage
to face the world like a sage.

I was an ignorant
Love to play and run
You planted like a peasant
Now I am a proud man.

Knowing the world’s so vast
And time runs so fast
You equip your self with things
I need in my learning.

Forever thankful to thee
Ready to walk with glee
Knowing you’re always there
Thank you, you’re a good provider.

Youth

I wonder who I am
In the years to come.
I am so small;
I wonder if I’ll conquer them all.
I wonder if I’ll stand out
Among the youth in the crowd.
I want them to be proud;
I want to shout it loud.
I want to be noticed
But I don’t want them to get pest.
I want to share
But no one cares.
I want to show the world
That I have something to prove.
And I want them to know
That in me hopes overflows.
I am proud to say
That I have something to convey
That country’s future is in my hands
And I bear it in mind.
For I am a youth;
I am the country’s hope.