ThE VOicE oF mY HeArT

Writing is another way to express your self.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Take Responsibility


I decided to stop loving someone
Hundred times my heart has been broken,
My heart keeps on beating still
Looking for someone new

I refuse to fall into the trap
I keep pushing you away
In the friendship zone, you should stay
However I can’t stop these feelings
It’s getting scarier as time fades

Hey! Stop!
Stop trying to catch my attention!
Stop being good to me, be mean!
I want to continue living
with my so-called normal life
You’re just a distraction!
I can’t focus!
Stop visiting my unconscious mind!

Go away!
Leave me alone!
These can’t go on!
These feelings have to stop!
Don’t drag me into a roller coaster ride
You’re driving me crazy however
But this happiness I hide
Your surprises that I love
Your unreadable mind
Pulling and pushing me to the edge

Look at me!
What has come to me?
Can’t you see my sufferings?
These anxious feelings and wondering?
Everything was alright,
my life was bright
You suddenly came;
You ruined my perfect life

My heart now is happy and in pain
It’s glowing and dim
It’s gray and colorful
It’s empty and full
What will you do?

Won’t you take responsibility?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Sweet Encounter

remember our first encounter?
you silently comes then goes...
standing in a corner, timidly...

remember our first conversation?
it was quite awkward but interesting...
i thought you'd be boring but actually funny... ;-)

remember the day i started hanging out with you?
it was due to a simple colds...
from then on we became friends...

you're shy with others,
     a good listener...
  honest...
     serious...
       responsible...
stubborn...
         game addict...
movie fanatic...
quiet funny...
            and witty;
you strike me when i least expect it, it was nice and enjoyable.

sometimes you're like an onii-chan
sometimes you're like a younger brother i never had
but mostly a good friend.
In times of my struggles;
i just want to escape...
you let me be...
you listen to my nags...
and jokes...
it's fun to act spoiled when i wanted to
i hope you enjoyed being with me
     Thank you for everything.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Heart's Home

It suddenly came; now it suddenly goes
My heart's filled with sadness, tears overflow
I'm teaching myself to let it go
The thing my heart dearly hold
Unfolding mem'ries, overwhelming feelings
With joy and pain, I'll cherish you with a smile in my face.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

A Dream

I have always dreamed of seeing the sun
Even in times of rain and thunder storms
But why can't I see it now?
My world is engulf with dark clouds,
Roaring thunder god and blinding lightning.

I have always dreamed of seeing smiles
Even in times of troubles, fears and doubts
but why do I see sadness and hatred?
My world is embraced with bickering,
Bitter words and endless curses.

I have always dreamed of being the best
In something that I could call my own
To severe that chain connecting to insecurities
but why do I feel anxious if this is right or wrong?
I am torn down better a daughter and my dream
Am I being selfish in chasing it?

Will God hate me if I  whine once in a while?
My heart feels heavy and my tears overflow
Will He abandon me if I play a little tantrum?
My mind is blank and my soul's tired
Will He forgive if did all that?



Friday, February 15, 2013

~*~Hera-IC~*~: A Song's Journey: The First Meeting

~*~Hera-IC~*~: A Song's Journey

A Song's Journey


What is with guy? I just met him yet he's this rude. I don't even know his name nor he knows mine. like i care but is that how he treats his visitors? well, i don't know if could be considered as visitor i am a complete stranger after all. maybe it is true that i am like a stray dog whom a good Samaritan who offered a shelter an food. I kind of starting to pity my self.

 I think this place is good. it is a good place for soul searching but with that rude guy around i'm having my doubts. i am now tempted to go back to my past life. I think my life will be as chaotic as it was in the city if I stay here.

I sat in the bed. It's actually soft and comfortable. A little bet Hmf! I'll let him off for now because i am tired.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Song's Journey: The First Meeting


"Aah...This place is so nice. It makes me forget all my troubles."

This is the place I've been looking for. A place that possesses exquisite beauty and peace that could calm my heart, mind and soul. The plain mountains painted in green, the blue sky the extends in the horizon, and the sea that seems to be talking to me. It's inviting me to play with her. It's just perfect. This place is perfect!

Every aspect of this place is far different from where I used to live. A noisy and polluted city that's full of people who knows nothing but pretend. Each one of them are pretentious and I can't stand it. So I chose to ran away from that ugly world and my foot has brought me here to a place I could say a paradise.

"Hmmmnnnn...I wonder what I'd like to do while I'm here? All I did was strolling."

It's already been 2 days since I arrive to this unknown place. I know no one in this place and luckily I met this wonderful woman living alone let me stay at her home. Of course I am not staying for free. I'm thankful that she let rent her spare room. This way I won't be a bother to her. I was so grateful to her when she open her home the first night I arrived here and had nowhere to go.

Drenched in the rain, I was in dazed and seems lost when she came to me.

"Excuse me? By any chance, are you a tourist?"

I looked up to see who's the person talking to me. She was smiling. I don't know to react. I just impulsively ran off with no plan at all. I don't know where I was going when I rode the bus and I indeed up here.

"I have been watching you from a while and it seems like you have no idea where to go where get off that bus. Do you have a place to stay?"

"No, I don't have. I didn't plan on coming here. All I want is to take a break and have a short vacation. I don't have any particular place to go and rode that bus."

"Oh my! That's so reckless of you! To think that you're a girl, it's so dangerous to go alone and to top it off you don't even know the place. Come! Come to my house. Stay there for the night and rest."

I just stared at her and smiled vaguely, "No, thank you! I'm going to wait for another bus and return to the city."

"Don't be silly! It's already dark and as I've been watching you I haven't seen you eat or something. So come with me."

"Thank you and sorry for being a bother."

She just smiled at me and said, "Don't mention it. You look sad and lonely sitting there. I thought that you were waiting for someone. Well, I haven't introduce myself yet I am Magdalena or Nanay Lena. People here call me that and what was your name?"

She's all smile. She looked like she has no problems. It makes me feel at ease. So smiled and answered, "I'm Lila."

"Oh! What a nice name."

Her house was quite a distance from the bus stop and I didn't notice how long we were walking because she kept talking to me. Telling me how nice this place is and that I should visit the treasures of the town. And then we reach her home. As she was about to put the keys to the lock, the door slammed open and a good-looking guy was standing in front of me. His gazed was weird and it seems like it displeased my presence. 

"What the! You brought another stray dog again!"

What is with this guy! How could he refer me as a dog. He's so rude quite the opposite to his handsome face. Sigh. I think I want to go home.


To be continued....

The Day When I Lost You

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEi8sr7ufPTznFYRLI4LKi1XfEMo0rYkKR2TS-XrCDCJOND5CUs0i1I06-fKeNHdQY3VNAub-lMZTUq2_RTV_d5yHxDxETgIIcKxQ1UCIFR-a29K0gQq5v5lxDkcz6G-zpX6i5IsUolmo/s1600/sad-girl-crying-alone.jpg
Sweet, caring and hardworking
That's the image you printed in my mind
As was close to you that I could tell all my secrets
Just like a friend whom I could trust
Laughing our hearts out like there's no tomorrow
Supporting me in all the things I do
You were my number one fan
I never felt alone and secluded when you are near
It seems like I could count on you always
And when i'll call you you'd immediately fly to where I am
I am always grateful and proud of you.


Self-centered, selfish and numb
That's the image you're printing in my mind now
I don't understand when and why this is happening
As time pass by you slowly drifted away from me
It seems like you've become another person
I can't understand you at all
I can't talk to you without getting mad
Shouting and bickering like mad dogs.

Exhausted, mad and sad
I am quiet tired of this endless arguments?
Even the tiniest things becomes a big issue
That seems like the world would end if we don't fight
I am tired of this scenario so I chose to silent
But I am not as strong you think I am
It's getting exhausting just the fact that you are near.

Dreaming, hoping and praying
Can't we return to how we use to be?
I miss the days were could just chat and laugh for simple reasons
I miss the times were we ride our bicycles from church to home
I miss the person whom I've called father/best friend
I don't know what happen It is so painful to see that I have lost you
It is even more painful than you dying in reality
And I don't even know how and why;
It hurt me so much when I see you coming home drunk
And the whole house become a battlefield of curses and swearings.

Hoping, wishing and believing
Is all I could do now
I can only hope and wish to return to how we use to be
If only you buried those memories in your heart
Maybe our relationship would still be the same
Right now I don't even know who's this person I'm calling father
I don't know this person
The father I knew was no longer here
It feels like he died and could only ressurect if he wishes to
I have no choice but bury your past image in my heart
So that I'll not end up hating you;
And if the time when you return home with the Father before me
I could shed tears of sadness and pain;
Not tears of regrets and relief.

Prayer, prayer and prayer
Is all could do right now
I have no power to turn back time
Nor do I have the power to change you
I am only a humble human and a servant of God
All I can do is to endure this pain
And wipe away these tears
And cover my face with a smile
As if everything is all right,
Believing that everything will be all right
So please let's go back to how we used to be
I beg you.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

For a Wonderful Man like You


A bubbly and cheerful man
I wonder if you get upset or mad
You always wear your smile
At your lowest moments
When you’re tired or sad
I wonder if you tried to hide it.

A dependable man
Everyone seems to depend on you
I wonder if you have someone to depend too
A person who’s always there for you,
A companion in times of loneliness and sadness.

A loving child
I wonder who’s parents must not feel bless and proud
A caring and sweet brother
That makes me miss my own
A proud uncle
With your nieces and nephews that love you so much.

A wonderful friend
Someone we can always count on
A good leader
Who is blessed with patience
And great dedication to lead 
A great singer
Who sings from the heart touching souls.

It’s amazing!
I wonder why God leads me to you
I've come to learn and view the world with new perspective
I thank your mom who brought you up
To become an extraordinary person
I thank you for being a friend
And I thank God I befriended a wonderful man like you. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My Name is Shadow



I have always thought that the world is nothing but black
I keep on seeing myself trapped in darkness
And I can’t seem to see a ray of light
All I can do is hope and pray for a world so bright.

I kept on walking in nothingness
Hoping to find the end of my emptiness
All I have is this faith I hold
To find the path leading to the door of happiness.

Along my journey I stumbled and fall;
I gathered my feet in a courageous manner
To grab my second chance to grow and be better
To meet other people who cares and to care.

However, in this darkness I could see nothing,
I could only hear faint voices from afar
I started walking towards their direction
Slowly, the chattering and laughter becomes clearer.

Their voices was like a sweet melody
It was pleasing to the ear
It was my first time to hear such music
That got me anxious and excited.

As I got closer to the crowd, faint light I see
I’m happy for at last I saw light
My eyes glittered with tears of joy
When everyone gathered around and welcomed me.

Ah, what a wonderful feeling
To now and feel that you belong
I could only wish for this moment would never end
But, unknowingly, the light slowly faded to darkness.

Once again, my whole world was embraced by darkness
Stricken by fear, I run aimlessly in search for everyone
Tears started to fall because of fear and seclusion
I’m all alone now in the midst of oblivion.

I shouted for help but no one seems to hear
From a distance I saw a light and tried to walk towards it
However my feet got stuck and I can’t take a step
Something is keeping me from moving forward, I wonder what it is.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

SENDONG


The sun was smiling brightly at you.
Your sky was painted in blue.
Everything was fine; nothing seems to go wrong.
Your world was in perfect harmony.
Chaos was far, only peace lingers as you sleep
But no one told you that nightmare would visit you
And angel of death would paint your blue sky with black
Blink of an eye, your perfect world was washed away by flooded tears
Right in your eyes, the life of your love slowly drifted away
All that’s left were relics of hurricane heart
Filled with remnants of pains and debris of memories
From afar I could hear your sobs of pain
Your cries is echoing from the depth of my soul
I want to spread my wings to comfort you,
To embrace and give you warmth and sing a lullaby to ease your pain
But my words aren’t enough to heal your wounds
My songs couldn’t erase the scars from your pain
For it will remain forever.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I am an Orphan

There are so many people surrounding me
But I keep on asking myself why I feel so lonely
I have friends, parents and siblings
Shouldn’t I feel so blessed and lucky?

I don’t understand the reason why I feel so miserable
I act cool and look as if I don’t care
But inside thousand of daggers are piercing my heart
When reality strikes that I only hold a family in mere name.

I often hear people say I have a wonderful family
I’ll faintly smile in reply for I don’t know if I should be happy
Because they have no slightest idea how pathetic we are
How we try to cover our frustrations with smiles and laughter.

I can’t figure out if I’m an orphan or not
When strangers’ eyes are watching true meaning of family we became
However when the curtain’s down our family is eaten by darkness
In there, smiles and laughter becomes bitter and everyone bickers.

When darkness consumes everyone’s hearts I run into my room
To run and hide into the safe haven I called
To run and hide into a place where it’s far from doom
In there, I could cry all I want until I get tired and fall asleep.

I have no idea when did our family fell apart
Or should I wonder if we ever did became one
Well, either way, I know I’ll always feel lonely
For I have been destined to become an orphan for some reasons.

MY REFUSAL

I refuse to concede defeat
I always seek to be the best
No matter how many times I fail
My pride will always prevail.

I never taught that one day I would admit
The imperfection that I hold
When You mend me from blindness
And You saved me from darkness.

Once in a while I may descend into oblivion
But Thy love pulled me to the radiance
Now, I can see the world in bright insignia
When I made Thee the heart of my existence.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

What is important

I keep on wondering what is the most important thing in this world that makes a person happy. The type of happiness that is everlasting. The type of happiness that makes anyone feel contented and satisfied. Everyday I hear slashes of words between people about money or people talking about money. What is so important in money? Will it give security and happiness to each one of us? Money...money....money. I recognize that money has become a necessity to people however that doesn't mean it's the whole world. The more I hear people talk about money the more I hated it. Everyone seems making money as the center of their world or worst their "god." Many may not realized it we are clinging into money as it's the most important thing in this world. And the more people clings into it the more I ask my self if I should also cling into it. But when I stumble with the question "will it make you happy and satisfied?" Then I'd hide in my shell like a snail for protection. All I want in this simple life of mine is to find my purpose in life. To really find the most important thing that I want to do that will give me satisfaction and happiness. The want...the motivation...the thing that drives me to let me feel that I am alive, really living. Currently, their is something that has sparked my interest but it seems impossible for me. It sparked my interest for the first time in my life. It's as if it's what I want in life. But maybe it's all a dream, an impossible dream. I really wonder why did I discover it so late. I guess all that is left in me is wonder. Wonder if I'd be able to reach. Wonder if it will come true. Wonder if it is possible. wonders....wonders...wonders.

Envy

As I watch people who are busy everyday
I can't help asking myself why I am not like them.
I envy them for they know what they want in life
Unlike me, I have nothing to do at all.
I feel that I am wasting my life for keeping myself idle
I feel like life is so boring, nothing excites me.
I  envy people for they all have the reason in living
And as for me, I have none.
To be able to do things on my own
It seems like I am in my own little world, my comfort zone.
Every time I tried to get away from it
People around me seems pulling me back to my own little world.
Forcing me to follow in their own flow
Everything seems empty.
I felt empty in me, no motivation in doing things
I felt empty for not knowing what I want to do with my life.
I want to find it; experience what others experienced.
The feeling of joy when someone finally found his/her purpose.
I am currently struggling in solving the hardest math problem in my life
And the answer seems impossible to find.
All I can do now is to envy people for giving their best
And achieving what they want in the end.
Envy is all I have now for I have nothing.
I am just an empty vessel living for the sake of living.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Finding Love in the Midst of Misery

Chapter 1

“Aaaaaaahhhhh! Noooo! Please Don’t! No! Aaaaaahhhhhh!”
In the midst of a quiet and solemn night in XXX convent, the nuns were awakened by a loud scream. Everyone woke up and wondered where the scream came from. The mother superior got up to investigate the event. As she towards the source of this commotion she followed the sound of a girl crying; it led her to the room where Aria resides. She went in and witnessed the poor girl in one corner of the room near her bed crying out loud. She was bathed with cold sweat. She must have had a bad dream again. What a poor girl, she thought. She approached her and hugged her. “Hush, don’t cry any longer. No one will harm you, you’re safe here. Shhh….”

Aria is humming a melody. This song, she hums this every time she’s scared to calm herself. While humming she starts to relax. The nun inquired, “Did you have had a bad dream again?”
“Sister I’m scared. What if…what if they find me here? Sister… Sister… I… I’m scared…really scared!” She started crying again.

“Hush, don’t be scared. You’re safe here. They won’t find you here. So go back to sleep. I’ll be here until you fall asleep.” She nodded once and lay down. “Thank you.” She closed her eyes and fall asleep after a couple of minutes. “She must have been tired with all the crying. What a poor angel.” She sighed. Yes, Aria has an angelic face. When she’s asleep she so peaceful but no one knows that she is suffering a trauma.
As she gazed outside, the rain started to pour. The sky must have pitied this poor little girl. It cried in her stead. It’s raining so hard just like the night she arrived here. She could still remember when a knocked in the convent’s door caught their attention. When she opened it she saw a girl with the face of an angel with long black straight-haired girl in her teenage year drenched wet in rain and asked, “Are you willing to accept me and let me take refuge?” But there is something in her eyes. She doesn’t know what it is. It is fear, pain, loneliness or anger she saw. She couldn’t quite figure it out. “Of course, please come in. You can stay here as long as you want.” The nun let her in. “Thank you.”

She wondered how come a girl of her age in the middle of the night would come knocking at our door but I asked no further. I could feel that there is a reason as to why she came here. None from the convent had an idea that something terrible happened to her. At first glance, there was no sign that she is deeply hurt or trauma; that she is suffering so much inside. You can’t see the pain even in her eyes. If she’s an actress then she’s a pro. It must have taken a lot of courage to put a strong front. However every night everyone will be awakened with screams of fear.  It was a bit later we found out that she was raped by three men and luckily escaped from their hands. If not she’d be dead now.

According to her, the three rapists were still out looking for her to silence her. She got scared that she ran away without her family’s knowledge. She has no idea where to go and her feet took her to convent XXX. She doesn’t understand herself as to why but she felt safe when she set her foot here she said.

It has been a year since she came here. In her first month of stay, she was quiet and keeps her distance to everyone but eventually she started to open up to others but not with males. Because of the event she eventually developed fear of men. She will shiver in fear and a cold sweat will bathed her. However, it could be seen that she is a bright girl and has a gift in music. She has a beautiful voice and writes songs. She is a gift sent from heaven. It is such a waste that some men has tainted this girls beautiful melody. They covered her colorful and bright world with dark clouds. How I wished that she’ll be able to move on her life.

On the other side of the world…

The sound of music is so loud that matches the beat of my heart. It’s pounding crazily. It must be the result of too much consumption of alcohol. Or it might be because of the girl I’m frolicking. She’s so beautiful. What do you expect from an international model? Hmmmnnnn. I want to eat her alive, right here and right now. However, there are too many people here. It might create a scandal and surely my father will kill me. I took her to my condo unit to satisfy my desire.

“’Babe, you’re so beautiful. You’re driving me crazy.” She smiled before she kissed me again. I started to kiss her neck. “Babe, I have something to tell you.” I acted as if heard nothing and continue kissing her.

“Babe, wait!” “Later.” I hungrily kissed her. I don’t care what she wants to tell me. I don’t want to hear it right now. I just want to have fun.

“Babe wait…I said stop!” She’s shouting now. I stopped kissing.

“Damn! What? Can’t we talk about it later?” I asked.

“We have to talk, now. It’s important.” I sighed then asked, “About what?”

“I’m leaving soon for work.”

“When and where?”

“Two days from now and U.S.”

“How long?”

“Five…”

“Five months? It’s not that long. It’s fine.” I started kissing her but she jerked away. “No.”

“Now what?!” I’m getting annoyed now.

“It’s not five months but five years.”

“Don’t worry babe I’ll wait for you here.” I look at her and saw her face brightens. I know that is what she wanted to hear from me. I then added, laughing, “Are you crazy? You think I’m going to say that? Waiting for you that long? That’s completely insane! I’m going to find other woman prettier and better than you in bed. I’m not the faithful type Abigail and you know that.” Her face turned red and slapped me. “Oww, Bitch!”
She took a deep breath and said, “You’re such a jerk. One day you’ll find your match. Someone who’ll make your knees weak and will make you look like a speechless idiot. I just can’t wait for that day and when that day comes I will laugh at you!”

I sarcastically smiled and shrugged. “If that day will come.” She pushed me away and I watched her go. I said to myself, “A match huh? I wonder if that person exists. Woohh!” I laughed out loud as if I’m being tickled. Cupid, Cupid you’re such a lousy archer. I can easily dodge your arrows.” Then my phone rang.

To be continued....

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Candle Light

I was trapped in the midst of nowhere
Everything is dark and all I see is my fear
I slowly walked with no particular destination
All I have is me and my religion.

During the darkest moments of my life,
When everything seems not right,
I whispered a prayer for courage to fight
In an instant You gave me light.

Tears had blinded me , I'm unable to se
But never did I lose to fear,
It's all because Your love has strengthen me
Even if my life is taken away by spear.

My life is always in a mess;
I am jailed, drowned in darkness
But You constantly embrace me with Thy love
Now and forever I can fly freely like a dove.

You lighted my way in a thousand ways
And You gave me a reason to stay
Until the day You come for me
I'll come home with You in glee.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Gods Light


The light descending from the sky
Is telling me that you are might;
Every time I’m hurt you send me love through the sun
With Your love I feel warmth and instantly the pain is gone.

The clouds white as the snow conveys paradise.
It makes me wish that I am with You.
I wonder if I could still feel pain.
I wonder if I could smile there again.

In times darkness consumes me while in pain.
With the light you give I see eases the pain.
How I wish the night never ascends;
Only the light I wish to gain.

I lift up my hands in plea to the Almighty
To take me with Thee.
Take me to Your paradise where there is no flood of tears.
Take me in Thy arms where fears disappear.

I beg You to take me with You
For pain and fears never flew;
For only you could give me comfort
That gives me happiness and contentedness.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Calling U

Everyday…
I’ve been struggling to reach out
And yet no one noticed.
I pray that one day you will look back
And yet no one dared.
I keep on trying to please everyone
And yet no one responded.

Night by night…
I call out your name,
Begging to save me in this place.
I shout for help
But only my echo answered.
Can’t you hear it?
The voice within my heart is screaming for help.
Calling for someone to hear it;
Kept on waiting for a single reply.

How long do I have to wait?
How long do I keep on calling?
Just for you to notice the emptiness of my heart?
How many liters of tears do I need to cry?
For just a glimpse of your eyes?
How can you smile brightly?
While I’m here suffering; jailed in the darkness?

When will you ever notice me?
I’m losing hope like a candle.
How painful, can’t you feel it?
I’m alone and I need someone to reach out a hand
And help me stand up.
I’ve stumbled many times
That I don’t have any strength left to stand.
I need someone to help me, to guide me.
Anyone, is there anyone of you to help me?

Lonely, Sad and Cold…
That is what I am feeling right now.
Death is even better than this.
Death is even better than being lonely, empty.
Death is even better that not to be able to smile.
Death is even better than being left alone in the midst of sorrow.
Death is even better than being with everyone but not being part of it.

My hands are reaching for you
And yet you never tried to reach it.
I’m getting weaker day by day.
No more strength.
No more hopes left.
I guess waiting for death is the best.

Monday, March 23, 2009

To Whom I Belong

Day by day I smile without worries
I always look forward of seeing your face
That gentle smile that lighten up my day;
It gives courage to a weakling like me.

From afar I could only wish
That one day you’d set your eyes on me
Forever, I’ll patiently wait for that time to come
For the moment to feel your sweet embrace
For the time when your lips touches to mine.

Night by night I dream of you
I feel contented when you say “I love you”
The warm hands of yours as you hole me tight
It gives comfort as I sleep.

From afar I could only wish
That one day you’d set your eyes on me
Forever, I’ll patiently wait for that time to come
For the moment to feel your sweet embrace
For the time when your lips touches to mine.

To hold you, to kiss you
To want you, to love you
That is all I longed for
Because long before this heart of mine is already yours.