It has been a while since I updated this blog. I have wanted to post new poems however; it wasn't easy for me to do so. Lot of things is going in and out in my mind these days. I am not sure how and when it started, maybe...long time ago.
Since I was a kid I have live up in a totally different world to others. I don't know how but I can just feel it. I have this feeling that I am so different from them. I have this feeling that I am living in a different persona. Everyone around me sees me as one of them. They don't see me differently. I just don't why. I sometimes wonder if I am exerting a different aura. People just entrust me such big responsibilities that I am not used to. They are expecting a leader that has the capability to lead people. But those are all false. I don’t even see my self as a worthy individual but why is it that others see me differently. It’s kind of frustrating. Isn’t it too much?
People around me is expecting too much from me. Living up in the world full of pressures and expectations is not that easy. Ever since I was a kid, I have accepted this pressures and expectations, full of willingness; accepting it as a challenge. I live up according to everyone’s expectations.
Carrying the pressures and expectations in my shoulders doesn’t seem like a problem at all. But however, without me knowing that day by day their expectations had become a burden on my part. I did not expect that their will be one day that I would break their expectations. Trying my very best to live it up until I become frustrated to it and it has become my greatest weakness.
Doesn’t everyone have its choice? It is either you live according to their expectations or not. It is a choice. However, I chose to live up according to the expectations because I wanted them to be happy. Is it really the real reason? Many would say no while other would say yes. Maybe it is a yes, maybe it is a no. But on the other hand, it is what it is. I have made my decision. I thought I won’t regret it one day but the day has come that I feel like I regretted my decision. Pressures and expectations are starting to become so heavy on my part. Day by day it’s becoming so difficult on my part. It’s even hard to breath. It’s suffocating. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. I am already tired of it.
Each day I am trying to revive the reasons why I made this decision. Each day I am trying to remember the reasons of living. But however, it is always blurred. I can’t see it clearly. I can’t remember it at all. It is really frustrating. Every night I cry out of frustrations and trying to find a way to survive is my world full of pressure.
In the night I cry but during the day with all my friends I smile, I laugh. I sometimes wonder if they could see the lonely side of me. I have been waiting and looking for someone who could see it. I have been searching for that someone. I keep on asking myself, Where are you? Can you feel my loneliness? When are you coming? Can you hear my voice calling you? I am waiting…I am just waiting for the light in this world of dark clouds.
