I am an Orphan

There are so many people surrounding me

But I keep on asking myself why I feel so lonely

I have friends, parents and siblings

Shouldn’t I feel so blessed and lucky?

I don’t understand the reason why I feel so miserable

I act cool and look as if I don’t care

But inside thousand of daggers are piercing my heart

When reality strikes that I only hold a family in mere name.

I often hear people say I have a wonderful family

I’ll faintly smile in reply for I don’t know if I should be happy

Because they have no slightest idea how pathetic we are

How we try to cover our frustrations with smiles and laughter.

I can’t figure out if I’m an orphan or not

When strangers’ eyes are watching true meaning of family we became

However when the curtain’s down our family is eaten by darkness

In there, smiles and laughter becomes bitter and everyone bickers.

When darkness consumes everyone’s hearts I run into my room

To run and hide into the safe haven I called

To run and hide into a place where it’s far from doom

In there, I could cry all I want until I get tired and fall asleep.

I have no idea when did our family fell apart

Or should I wonder if we ever did became one

Well, either way, I know I’ll always feel lonely

For I have been destined to become an orphan for some reasons.

MY REFUSAL

I refuse to concede defeat

I always seek to be the best

No matter how many times I fail

My pride will always prevail.

I never taught that one day I would admit

The imperfection that I hold

When You mend me from blindness

And You saved me from darkness.

Once in a while I may descend into oblivion

But Thy love pulled me to the radiance

Now, I can see the world in bright insignia

When I made Thee the heart of my existence.

What is important

I keep on wondering what is the most important thing in this world that makes a person happy. The type of happiness that is everlasting. The type of happiness that makes anyone feel contented and satisfied. Everyday I hear slashes of words between people about money or people talking about money. What is so important in money? Will it give security and happiness to each one of us? Money...money....money. I recognize that money has become a necessity to people however that doesn't mean it's the whole world. The more I hear people talk about money the more I hated it. Everyone seems making money as the center of their world or worst their "god." Many may not realized it we are clinging into money as it's the most important thing in this world. And the more people clings into it the more I ask my self if I should also cling into it. But when I stumble with the question "will it make you happy and satisfied?" Then I'd hide in my shell like a snail for protection. All I want in this simple life of mine is to find my purpose in life. To really find the most important thing that I want to do that will give me satisfaction and happiness. The want...the motivation...the thing that drives me to let me feel that I am alive, really living. Currently, their is something that has sparked my interest but it seems impossible for me. It sparked my interest for the first time in my life. It's as if it's what I want in life. But maybe it's all a dream, an impossible dream. I really wonder why did I discover it so late. I guess all that is left in me is wonder. Wonder if I'd be able to reach. Wonder if it will come true. Wonder if it is possible. wonders....wonders...wonders.

Envy

As I watch people who are busy everyday
I can't help asking myself why I am not like them.
I envy them for they know what they want in life
Unlike me, I have nothing to do at all.
I feel that I am wasting my life for keeping myself idle
I feel like life is so boring, nothing excites me.
I  envy people for they all have the reason in living
And as for me, I have none.
To be able to do things on my own
It seems like I am in my own little world, my comfort zone.
Every time I tried to get away from it
People around me seems pulling me back to my own little world.
Forcing me to follow in their own flow
Everything seems empty.
I felt empty in me, no motivation in doing things
I felt empty for not knowing what I want to do with my life.
I want to find it; experience what others experienced.
The feeling of joy when someone finally found his/her purpose.
I am currently struggling in solving the hardest math problem in my life
And the answer seems impossible to find.
All I can do now is to envy people for giving their best
And achieving what they want in the end.
Envy is all I have now for I have nothing.
I am just an empty vessel living for the sake of living.